As one who is particularly exceptional at being awkward and withdrawn in social settings, I frequently seek out ways to entertain myself that exclude any sort of human interaction. Over my four years of undergrad and several months of law school (a school which many would call, the Harvard of Alabama, no less) I’ve become an adept analyst of the real men of the bar scene.

With a lukewarm Coors Light in hand and a corner wall to stable myself against, I’ve logged many hours observing the folks who take to the bar for their weekend entertainment. Here are the Top 5 ultimate bar heroes:

5. Chest Hair Guy

Rest assured you have no idea when chest hair guy arrived at this bar; he’s been here since 6 PM pummeling Michelob Ultra tall-boys since this joint opened. He arrived in a thoroughly-wrinkled button-down with just the top two buttons undone, but he’s long-since graduated to airing out the top four.

Who is he here with?? It could really be anybody or nobody – but don’t think for a second he will leave this bar before he’s attempted to engage in conversation with every last person here. Every 20 minutes he gleefully stumbles over the bar and screams for the nearest bartender by name. He of course knows all of them due to his regular status, and believes he has solid rapport with each, but they are visibly uncomfortable as they fetch him his latest bevvie whilst he makes an impressive amount of inappropriate comments in a 90-second time span.

The $3 tip that’s coming their way on his $85 bill at the end of the night eases the sting only so slightly. And yet we salute chest hair guy, for we appear to be better people while in his presence.

4. Lager Guy

The throwback. The conservative of a bar culture that is moving ever so rapidly in the direction of seltzers, IPAs, and sours. Lager guy will have none of it, and you’re sure as shit gonna hear his two cents about it. 

Lager guy snuck his first sip of his dad’s Pabst Blue Ribbon on his first visit to the Daytona 500 when he was just nine years old, and he hasn’t looked back since. Planning a casual night out to a craft brewery with some friends? Better call ahead and make sure they have one of Bud Light/Miller on tap – lager guy will otherwise not be attending. Why do we salute this seemingly insufferable nuisance? Simply put, every group needs a punching bag whose takes can be dunked on like the Big Aristotle himself.

But if you ever find that the conversation has died, and you’re in desperate search of a means to fill the void of silence, lager guy is a more than serviceable fallback option. And once you’ve prompted his takes on the state of our “candy ass new drinking culture,” lager guy’s hot take machine rivals all but the great Stephen A. Smith himself.

So here’s to you, lager guy, and your unparalleled devotion to debate.

3. The Karaoke King

The Karaoke King is everything that I am not, and far be it from me not to give him his respect for it. The Karaoke King is either bold and uncaring of how he is perceived by his fellow patrons – or simply devoid of any and all self-awareness. In any case, he’s been gearing up for this moment from the minute he left school on Friday. And best believe all of his fellow classmates and friends know of what’s going down tonight as well – he’s promised everyone quite a performance.

He arrived at the bar around 10 PM after five hours of vigorous pre-gaming. That of course didn’t stop him from marching straight to the bar and ordering a double-vodka red bull after putting his name on the karaoke list. During the half-hour wait to go on, he promptly polished off another, in addition to downing several fireball shots immediately before hitting the stage.

His rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody is every bit the catastrophe you’d expect, but that isn’t going to stop him from going up four more times, delivering his take on hits like Billie Jean, Mamma Mia, and Every Breath You Take. No one’s paying much attention at this point, but the Karaoke King is very much present in the back of our minds. And much like Chest Hair Guy, we feel much better about our own existence in turn. 

2. “I’m Just Here From Out-of-Town Guy”

Is out-of-town guy really from out-of-town? It’s a dicey question at best. One thing is for certain, he’s tried this angle on each of the seven dating apps he maintains a stable presence on, and he’s at the bar tonight to test it out in-person on the big stage.

Out-of-town guy appears to be here by himself, but that isn’t stopping him from approaching more women than Leonardo DiCaprio after a high school graduation. He aims to exude confidence with his slim fit polo and Casio watch, but has appeared to find little success after three hours of shooting his shot.

Why exactly women seem to find little interest in his job as a very-real Chicago investment banker is a mystery, but he’s certainly not ready to abandon that game plan just yet. Part of us can’t help but respect the absolutely unbreakable determination and resilience he brings. In any case, this walking disaster entertains all of us distant observers, and we can’t help but want to learn so much more about his story. 

1.  Joey Freshwater