Henlo Lizard is a conglomeration of adults that are in various stages of life. For those of us that are beginning our time in the workforce, we decided that we need an outlet to express the gravity of sadness that comes with this existence. Work sucks man… and what better way to express this than fake diary entries on a blog post? Here’s our first entry:

Dear Diary,

The life of a retail store manager can be quite grueling. I don’t know how much more I can take.

Most of my days involve completing the same mundane tasks over and over…I can now fold a shirt faster than you can say “hey boy, fetch me a XXL polo in neon green.”

We don’t even have neon green polos 😦

I always get customers who seem to be born just to make my life difficult. Literally customers that were born just months ago trying to mess up my displays. What are you, like six months old? You’re a baby? 
An actual live baby? Stop ruining my tight folds.

Twice a week I find myself arguing with someone over an un-receipted return that I end up just returning anyways, because I suddenly realize that this job is the only thing separating me from becoming a Advocare rep. (Btw use coupon code TEBÖ20 for 20% your next purchase through Advocare.)

I have high schoolers working for me with no respect for authority. I constantly wonder if I’m even in charge at all. Whenever I give orders to my employees they just say things like  “How old is this guy anyway?” And “Why does he always look like he’s about to cry? You big loser. You have no ability to lead and shouldn’t be in this position. We hate you as a collective unit. We’re unionizing.”

I just don’t get it.

Holidays don’t seem as special anymore, but hey they’re usually time and half. I really need the money to afford the frozen pizzas I cook and the presents I get for the family I don’t see. I haven’t enjoyed Christmas or thanksgiving with my family in years… I wonder if they even know that I can unpack a box of pants in under a minute.

Oh look I’ve closed tonight and I open tomorrow. Let me enjoy my 6 hours of sleep so I can resume my existence as the gatekeeper to the saddest storefront in America. Thank god artificial intelligence doesn’t need to sleep.

Goodnight Diary.