Henlo Lizard is known for producing content that knows no bounds. We like to think that our content reaches all people in some way. If you asked ten different people on the street “What’s your favorite piece of content from Henlo Lizard?” you would receive ten different answers ranging from “What?” to “Who?”, showing our range of diversity.
With this being said, I feel that Henlo Lizard has been ignoring one of our core competencies. We’re sports fans.
I know. It’s shocking news that a gathering of twenty something year old guys would be interested in sports. I guess you could say that we’ve been ignoring our sports takes in an effort to not fall into the trap of every other blog created by twenty something year old dudes. (Yes Chase, your blog on why Clayton Kershaw is still the GOAT of the decade is still being passed through the fraternity group chat).
Sports blogs are normally boring, overdone, and redundant in their takes. Henlo Lizard isn’t boring, overdone, or redundant (except for the pain). Our visions just didn’t align until now.
Henlo Lizard is making a concerted effort to dive into the world of sports while still retaining our sense of humor/pain. I figured what better place to kickstart our endeavor into sports than the listless Miami Dolphins.
Why Henlo Lizard loves the Miami Dolphins:
The Miami Dolphins stink. They really stink. Like Clayton Kershaw in a playoff game stink (thanks Chase).
The Dolphins are 0-4 (soon to be 0-5) and have no signs of letting off the gas. As I’m writing this, the Dolphins are “playing” the 0-5 Washington Redskins and treating it as if it’s their Superbowl. This game might be their only shot at a win this season. *UPDATE the Dolphins lost 17-16 on a dropped screen pass two point conversion*
Josh Rosen had a QB rating of 57.7 going into today’s game.
Kenyan Drake had 113 total rushing yards going into today’s game.
The Dolphins defense is ranked 32nd in both points and yards allowed.
This dumpster fire is so hot that I could use it to heat a Dolphins logo brand and press it into my chest. The Dolphins are the equivalent of the girl at the bar who gets on the mechanical bull after one too many vodka-water-limes. She’s not going to last more than three seconds on that bull; then she will spend the next four minutes lifelessly having the bull drag her by the seams of her jean shorts across the inflatable floor.
I know it isn’t a revolutionary take to say “the Dolphins stink” but Henlo Lizard wants to be upfront with our love for the Dolphins.
I love the Dolphins. Henlo Lizard loves the Dolphins. The Dolphins are #pain personified.
Why do they continue to put 22 men on the field to play football? Why are they out there? If they have a will to live, how can I not? This persistence is only rivaled by that of anime avi twitter DM’s when a girl unknowingly shows her feet in a fit pic. I don’t know how they continue to live. I don’t know that level of pain. I don’t know.
All I know is that whenever I wake up, I look at myself in the mirror and say “At least I’m not Josh Rosen” three times in a row. This summons the ghost of Bloody Dolphin Mary and makes me rock solid hard for the day ahead. My pain is now alleviated because a group of 53 men are #GoingThroughIt more than I am. Thank you, Miami Dolphins, for being the fuel I need to reassure myself that my existence could be more sad in another reality.
I need the Dolphins to stay winless. A winless Dolphins team means that there are professional athletes out there with lower self esteem than myself. I’ll be sure to watch next week when you take on the Buffalo Bills in what will inevitably be a 24-13 loss, featuring three turnovers and a look of utter emptiness from Brian Flores. Thank you Miami.
Henlo Lizard 