*WARNING* *This blog features many hard flexes so just go with it*
Over the weekend, I attended a Halloween party hosted by two of my girlfriend’s (hard flex) family members who also happen to be lawyers (hard flex). This party was designed for CFO’s of major corporations. The party was NOT meant for me, a middling twenty-something who decided that dressing up as a slice of pizza was suitable for a party that has a coat check (harrrrrrrrd flex).
But there I was. Sitting at the open bar (HARD flex) of a fancy Halloween party, sipping on an Apple Moscow Mule (I’m really just flexing for fun now).
In between sips of my delicious bevvie, I began to ask myself “Wow Drew, you really made it. How did you get to the top so fast?”
Is it my cunning talents in the realm of business that allowed me to catapult myself into the upper-elite? Based on the party-goers reactions to my business proposal surrounding “Uber but for toddlers”, I would say that my business acumen still needs some work.
Is it the fact that I contribute/run/edit a wildly successful blog that allows me to see eye-to-eye with the CEO’s of the world? Verdict is still out on that one.
Is it the fact that I am currently dating someone whose family is wildly successful, allowing me to unfairly reap the benefits of their hard labor? Nah.
As I was pondering the possible answers to this existential question, I decided to go the bathroom to (avoid the party) research why I am so successful. I browsed Twitter, the most reliable source for information, and stumbled upon this tweet:
All of a sudden, the answer to my crisis then wafted over me like the lavender scent of the urinal cakes in the Halloween party bathroom (Last Hard Flex of the blog).
I suddenly realized:
“I am so successful because I wasn’t a gifted kid in elementary/middle/high school.”
Everything clicked. Gifted kids have it so hard in life that it’s almost impossible for them to succeed after high school. I was so fortunate to not be a part of this process, which HAS to be why I had the privilege to pee onto a lavender piss cake.
Let me backtrack a little to fill you in on my childhood academic career.
Sixth Grade: My first year of middle school. The faculty realized that I had some intellectual prowess once I placed second in the school’s Geography Bowl (My losing question was “What is the capital of Louisiana?”, a state that I had been to 30+ times). The school faculty decided to give me the “Gifted Student” test. All I remember is there was a lot of word association involved and I said the word “matinee” twice. I failed the test and didn’t become a gifted student.
Seventh Grade and Up: Idk man my life really be a movie so it was all just a blur.
I had failed the gifted test as a kid. Little did I know, this would be the most beneficial failure of my entire life. Because of that failure, I wouldn’t grow up with “Gifted Kid Syndrome”
“Gifted Kid Syndrome” is a catch-all term for kids who feel slighted because they were raised with unfair societal pressure to perform well in the classroom. This unfair pressure results in these “gifted kids” burning out post-high-school.
Ignoring the fact that “gifted kids” receive undivided attention from the school’s best faculty, better resources to succeed in the classroom, and rare opportunities intellectually lap their classmates, being a “gifted kid” does seem to set people up for failure. This syndrome is making such an impact that people are actually avoiding being intelligent.
Take Liam here. Liam is so scared of being gifted that he’s afraid of his own IQ development.
Or how about Evil Twink? Evil Twink dropped out of school because they were so gifted.
Look at Mothman Max. In a weird, pseudo-roll call tweet, Mothman Max is clearly crying out for help just because he’s gifted. Having access to free college level curriculum at the age of 14? How does Max do it? Clearly he is not in a position to be successful.
These last two tweets come from the group “Supporting Emotional Needs for the Gifted” which is a real thing with real members. SENG is dedicated towards raising awareness to the troubles faced by intellectually gifted children via posting stock photos of depressed teens. (This organization was definitely created out of irony by the same parents that force unnecessary existential pressures onto their gifted teenage children in the name of “getting into good school”)
I always liked to imagine that being a “gifted kid” was like being the first person in your friend group to discover the 2013 hit song Pompeii by the artist Bastille. At first, life is at an all time high. Echoes of “Ay ay oh ay oh Ayyyy ay oh ay oh” play in your head as you glide through your existence. But then you walk into Hollister with your friends and hear Pompeii blasting through the speakers. You then turn to Lance and ask him “Hey man, do you know this song?” to which he responds “Yeah it’s been on the radio the past couple of weeks.”
All of a sudden, your special song is just background noise for people buying denim. Being a gifted kid is actually like being the song Pompeii by Bastille. You were great in 2013, but now you’re just on par with every other song that features a solid chant.
Sure, many people struggle with the fact that they aren’t as special as they thought they were. I am writing this today to tell you that it’s ok. Look at me. I am wildly successful without being a “gifted kid” and you can be too. If you’re reading this and wondering why you’re not an author of a hit blog yet, that’s ok. You’ll eventually have the $50 it takes to purchase a domain/start a wordpress.
A final word to all gifted kids out there: everything will be ok. Don’t focus so much on the fact that you were “gifted”, but more on the reality that you’re average just like everyone else. The sooner you accept that fact, the faster you can start reading my blogs/think what I have to say is funny/sharing this with your friends.
Henlo Lizard 