God, it’s been a long week of staring at a ceiling fan while laying over the top-sheet of my bed. The rotations just didn’t hit the same after 72 hours of listening to Matt Ox’s “Overwhelming” on repeat, so I decided to write a blog.

If you’re reading this, I assume you’re within a 10 year margin of hitting your quarter-life crisis. Some of you might have already hit it. Luckily for me, I hit my quarter-life crisis at the age of 10 because there’s no way I’m making it past 40 with my current Red Baron intake/lack of exercise/overwhelming apathy towards life.

When someone reaches the point of a quarter-life crisis, they have more than likely hit an emotional wall that introduces an endless wave of crippling fear and anxiety, coupled with an underlying sense of urgency to quit your current job for something new. Either that or they’ve just exhausted all possible new yogurt brands to switch to.

With a quarter-life crisis comes unnecessary hobbies and interests that hold zero meaningful weight to a person’s existence. These hobbies and interests are designed to fill the incredible void created by the dark realities of the working world. Below are some hobbies that you will almost certainly dive into when you’re in this critical part of your life.

Going to the Gym

Going to the gym is the most common and least interesting of all potential hobbies one can take up in their quarter-life crisis. I am convinced that people turn to full-body workouts in their time of need because it’s the only time they feel something throughout their day. This hobby could easily be replaced by watching CMBYN on Blu-Ray once a week.

Throwing weight around the gym isn’t going to change your LinkedIn profile’s inadequacy. The StairMaster isn’t the same as climbing the corporate ladder. Please just hug your family and accept your gut.

What this hobby says about you: I hope you’re ok with watching CBS produced tele-dramas for the rest of your life.

“I’m sure Blue Bloods is a great show bro, now let’s power out this last set max effort.”

Learning an Instrument

Trying to revive your musical talent in your mid-20’s has the same story-arch as most traditional marriages:

Large surge of initial excitement–> Suddent realization that this is a lot of work –> Doubling down on the investment by buying equipment/having a kid –> Large financial loss coupled with a sense of defeat when you inevitably sell your gear/wife takes everything you love.

What this hobby says about you: You’re so optimistic that you probably think the government is going to forgive your student loan debt within your lifetime. Go back to watching a YouTube tutorial on the Dorian scale which will ultimately be substituted for a BuzzFeed “Worth It” video on $3 vs $108 fried chicken.

Homebrewing

Every twenty-something has a dream where they’re brewing tasty IPA’s with their pals while wearing flannel shirts.

The first step to fulfilling this fantasy is to buy some homebrew equipment that totally doesn’t bother your live-in girlfriend. She’s totally fine with the amount of counter-space that it’s taking up. She definitely doesn’t mind the overbearing smell of hydrogen sulfide in the apartment. You’re all good.

What this hobby says about you: You probably have at least 4 friends that you can share your beer creations with, so that’s cool. You should look forward to isolating those friends when you ask them for a small $25,000 investment to start your own brewery.

“Dude, I’ve looked at the numbers and it’s totally possible. We could be profitable in six months. No one would be doing what we’re doing. You know how good my double-hopped island IPA is!!!”

Going to Grad School

An MBA/MFA/MS/JD will almost certainly double your salary while doubling the amount of pressure you have to pay your now insurmountable personal debt. Your new six-figure salary is guaranteed to fill what’s been missing in your life!

The reason that this is listed as a “hobby” is because telling people that you’re studying for the LSAT/GMAT/GRE is a hobby of itself. Please tell me more about how you spent 4 hours studying logic games last night. I totally respect you more because of it.

What this hobby says about you: Life has been good to you so far, so you feel the need to ruin it completely with a $75,000 18-month sabbatical. Even though you will more than likely come out on top, you enjoy the self-inflicted pain of group projects and cocktail hours. You’re also named Lance in another life.

Starting a Blog/Remaining Complacent

Y’all know the vibes