I watched Netflix’s new film Marriage Story over the weekend because I haven’t felt anything close to emotional strife for months.

Some of you may have seen my heart-wrenching video in which I provide a tutorial on how to make a Red Baron pizza after your girlfriend breaks up with you. Marriage Story makes my somber/well-directed/amateur home video look like an ill-meaning/poorly-directed/amateur home video.

Overall rating of the film? 8.6

Sadness rating of the film? One stoic tear rolled down my cheek

If a film can get a tear out of me, it’s an automatic lock for at least an 8.6 on the figure skating scale. Some of my other 8.6+ films include: Draft Day, XXX: Return of Xander Cage, Hitch, and Observe and Report.

For those of you who haven’t seen the film, I will provide a three sentence synopsis WITH spoilers below: (honestly the rest of the blog has spoilers so just stop here and SMASH that favorite button on the tweet and be on your merry way)

Adam Driver (Charlie) and Scarlett Johannson (Nicole) portray a couple on the brink of divorce who have seemingly fallen asleep at the wheel with their relationship. Their son, Henry, doesn’t know how to fucking read despite the fact that he seems to be 7-10 years old (showcasing their bad parenting). Nicole’s lawyer absolutely decimates Charlie in court, furthering the sentiment that whoever lawyers up first will win most civil disputes.

I may have missed the overall point of the film in that synopsis, but those are the three things that I can’t stop thinking about when it comes to recapping this story.

Both Nicole and Charlie are to blame here for the overarching development of their divorce:

I think it’s pretty easy to watch this movie and say “Charlie could’ve done better”

Sure, he completely neglected the needs of his spouse/took credit for her input in their shared creative outlet/overlooked her desire to switch careers because of his own aspirations/failed to effectively communicate his plans for the future. All of these things are true. BUT you always #gottahearbothsides.

This whole movie comes down to a lack of communication.

I’m sure Charlie, at one point in the past 10 years, said to Nicole “I want to stay in New York” which was probably done under his breath. Is Charlie to blame because she couldn’t hear him? Not at all. Listen better, Nicole.

I’m sure Nicole, multiple times within the past 10 years, said to Charlie “I want to move to L.A to be closer to my family/start a new career” This was more than likely said in a clear and deliberate tone while in the proper setting to discuss these matters. Is Nicole to blame because Charlie doesn’t value her opinion/listen? Probably but WHO knows?

Henry doesn’t know how to read:

Henry, Charlie and Nicole’s son, is somewhere around 7-10 years old and doesn’t know how to read.

No one in this movie seems to think this is concerning. Please, someone take the time to teach this child how to read. There were multiple scenes in the movie where neither parent stepped up to give this kid some help.

Charlie even goes as far as trying to go over a reading passage with Henry while a SOCIAL WORKER is observing both of them. Henry inevitably fails to read the passage and what does Charlie do? Does Charlie double-down while the pressure is on and help Henry persevere through the tough passage like a concerned father would? No. Charlie let’s Henry go play with his Bionicles in his room (fucking sick power-play by Charlie to show the social worker how much he doesn’t care though).

I would’ve been fine if the divorce proceedings halted in the middle of the movie and the rest of the film was just Charlie and Nicole giving Henry individualized attention in reading lessons. I guess his slow development is deliberately included to show how a distant couple can affect things outside of their own lives? I’m here for you Henry. I know you’re not reading this right now but know that I care.

Nicole’s lawyer (Nora) did the legal equivalent of dunking from the free-throw line:

Nora, played by Laura Dern, is the litigator that I see in my worst nightmares when it comes to a divorce case. If my future wife hires a Nora to represent her, I’ll just save everyone’s time and sign over my rights to everything I own including any future proceeds from my plasma donations.

The scenes where Nora lays into Charlie’s case during his settlement hearing are similar to those two seconds in a UFC fight before the ref calls the fight and one fighter is repeatedly pounding the other’s skull off the mat. I have no idea how the writers let Charlie come back after that.

The real tragedy of this film is that Charlie got off so easy in court in the end. He came away with 45% custody of Henry AND he kept his $650,000 grant?

If this movie were a documentary, Nicole would’ve ended up with full-custody, half of Charlie’s genius grant, and a claim to $2200/month in child support with a 3% annual increase to adjust for inflation.

I’ll end with this:

What I love about Henlo Lizard.

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Henlo is the reason why I do what I do.

This is why I love Henlo.